february 2010

Don’t go popping off Papa- I haven’t had my fill of you!! And you have promised to live in that family home with Amma for a couple of years at least.

This is a difficult time of the year, and I must make a beginning to get over the fear that grips me around this time. A fear of death. I can not make up mind who I am afraid of losing most. But I do know that I would rather be dead first than lose any more.

The urge to take matters into my own hands is so strong, I need to keep them busy till they cannot do anything wrong. Maybe I should just begin to create an infinity, an act that would keep me so occupied I would forget to be afraid. And as Papa and Amma shift into their new home there is every reason to feel hopeful.

Papa has mailed me this morning- and I should do what he says- relax. I know what will be will be. But I wish I could will some things. A spontaneous expression of love to a child is also something to be examined, analysed. And then let go of. I really see no need here.

I must stop seeking life.

Surely that will take away the fear of losing it.

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About Smita

Born in Bhopal, School- St Josephs Convent, Idgah Hills Bhopal, BE- MACT/MANIT, Bhopal, 1981 MA- Sociology, Barkatullah University Bhopal.
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One Response to february 2010

  1. Smita says:

    Every year after January 14th I felt that something would happen. The feeling stayed with me till summer peaked.
    I would check my horoscope on Kundali and it promised an inheritance. Every year, I went mad with the fear of Papa’s death.
    This year I did not check.
    This year Papa died.
    This post was in my drafts folder.

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